I have to admit...

that I'm one of those people. You know, that person that can't go or do anything alone. Not that I don't like to be alone sometimes but geez, shopping is more fun with a friend, eating is more fun with a friend. Come on...you know I'm right.

Well, a few weeks ago I got an email from my co-worker stating there is a self-defense class coming up. Anyone who knows what I do for a living, knows I need all the self-defense I can get. So I signed up along with my co-worker. And because I am me I get another friend to go with me, who in returns brings a friend of her own.

First class: I get the the class and am surprised by the amount of people there. Okay it was like 15 people but I expected more like 8. Most of the people there do what I do and feel the same need that I have about the class. We all go in and begin kicking a bag. Yup, kicking a bag, I can do this not a problem. But the problem was, I bruise very easily. You can see my point for not wearing a skirt or dress for the last 3 weeks. PANTS ONLY!!! Anyway, we then moved on to pressure points in the arm, and again bruising appeared at those points. By the end of the first class, I actually looked like I had been in a fight. I can only imagine what I would look like if my friend was kicking me as hard as the instructor suggested. However, through all of that I was able to beat up a guy dressed in the "red suit" also known as padding.

Second class: Hummmm, class is down to 6. Okay, cool more one on one teaching. More pressure points were shown as well as a few new kicks. I'm begining to enjoy this. The instructor taught us the karate chop and wanted to see how strong we were. So he brought about the boards. Oh ya! I broke a board. "Just picture a perp's neck being the board", he said. "If you hit hard enough, he will pass out for 7 seconds." SWEET!! Again, at the end of class, I was able to beat up a different guy in the "red suit".

Third class: Well....at first there was only 2 of us. But the late comers finally made it in and had 7. My friend showed me her bruises from last week that were still purple. Luckily for me, I didn't get the same thing. I think my co-worker felt bad for me after the bruising from the first class. My co-worker, however, did not show up, and asked me to show her the new moves later this week. Oh boy....can't wait. The class taught us what to do if we were being strangled. One move involved slamming the perp's head into the wall. Then yet a different guy put the "red suit" on. All of us girls, banded together and fought him for a minute each. We slapped him, kicked him, punched him, karate chopped him, and one even kicked him in the you know what. By the time, he took the suit off, he was sweating like crazy. But he knew the class had taught us something and that we can defend outselves if necessary. He did stress we need to practice so we don't forget.

Any takers?

some time....

Well, it seems like forever since I've been on here...And it has. Far too long. I wish I could say things have changed but no, they are what they are.

Work is work. Nothing much changes there. I have the adults violating their conditions, I have the juveniles doing the same. I'm currently averaging 3 people in the jail each weekend for violations. And for those who decided they have better things to do, warrants for you. HA HA.

While I love my job, days are getting longer and more of a pain. I find myself hitting the snooze button 4 times in the morning, forcing myself to get up, and bitching the entire way to the shower. After my lovely hour drive to work, if I'm lucky there won't be any reports of violations shoved under my door. Today, there was 2. Not bad after being in training for two days. After the complaining of why conditions can't be met, the bitching of serving time in jail, and the continued look of stupidity on the clients faces, I then spend another hour home.

I'm hoping to get my mood changed. I'm hoping to find one person out there that can follow rules and be successful. It's been a long time...oh well...what is a girl to do?

______

On the other hand, my personal life has changed, a little. My ex has found a new girl to bother. She is in Missouri, a hair dresser, and 22 yoa. However, the one thing he tells me is that "at least she is over 21". Should I be afraid?

I'm being asked out on dates from guy in California. While it seems odd, I'm not sure how it would work. I've dated him in the past. One of my co-workers doesn't seem to mind the idea of me going to see him on long weekends and spend his money. In fact, I believe she stated " You're young, he has money, spend it while he lets you". Honestly I wasn't sure what to say to that. I've always considered my self an independent person and I sure don't need to spend his money on me. While I don't mind, I can't use a person like she is intending.

And, apparently, I got a gift coming in the mail from a guy I've never meet, but only chatted to by email. I'm assuming that my best friend approves or otherwise she would not allow this to happen, since she knows him personally. Weird!!!

But in light of everything that goes wrong, the good comes with it. I'm just hoping the good comes a little quicker this time. :)

Gold Teeth is at it again...

Okay, so those of you who don't know who Gold Teeth is, he is my neighbor. A very thin yellow eyed, gold tooth man. He tends to do any and all stupid things. Well here is a new one...

Got home today from, yes you guessed it, TARGET, and he is burning his grass. Oh not the smoking kind, the front yard kind. And can I just say this is illegal beside could cause the houses in the neighborhood to burn down. DUMB DUMB DUMB!!!!

Another Sunday...

So here I am, another Sunday. The weekend seems to fly by. I even had Friday off this week but yet that doesn't seem like enough time. I've thought long and hard about this problem and I've come to realized that I dread going back to work on Monday. Maybe I need a vacation but that won't happen for several more months. :(

This week will be even harder due to the time change but I feel I'm getting burnt out. All my clients seem to be doing something they shouldn't be (coming into my office drunk, talking back, not attending school, running all over KS without permission). I file paperwork like I have an endless supply of paper. My revocation drawer is completely full and now I have to find somewhere else to put files and my office isn't big enough to handle another filing cabinet (besides the state can't afford to buy me one).

Court isn't much better. Next week there are a total of 110 cases as of today for Monday alone. I can just see myself getting a bunch of new people, a bunch of new reports that take months to complete. I'll be running around like chicken with its head cut off just to get from one client to another. The one thing I have to look forward to is my Chief will be down to help me. She is willing to run along with me to relieve some of my stress. To help me relax a little.

Problem is, I'm not sure how to relax anymore. Craziness at work seems to follow me home. I can't stand to listen to the phone ring and the idea of answering it is even worst. I'm afraid that if I answer it, I will have to deal with a bigger problem. So I don't answer the phone, I don't return any phone calls or text messages. I don't see the point. If I do, more drama comes into my life and again the stress builds. But if I don't, for some people (one person actually), the drama comes anyway.

I've been recently accused of being a liar due to the fact I've ignored my phone calls and text messages. I've made plans, then not followed through with them. Yes, I get it, your mad, sorry for that but my life doesn't revolve around you. But even more, this one person doesn't seem to understand what I have to deal with on a day to day basis and if I'd rather side at home, on my ass, and read an entire novel with a very large glass of wine, then be mad at me and call me a liar. Honestly, it is the only thing that I've found that helps me, relieves some of the stress and helps me forget about the awful week that I just finished and the awful week ahead of me.

I've tried the excerise thing. While I do enjoy it my day doesn't seem to be long enough. I'm so tired by the time I get home, I eat and fall asleep by 8 p.m. I wake in the morning to find that I really hadn't slept that much. Coffee doesn't seem to help much anymore but on plus side I did find a new favorite (Kerry I will send it your way after you get to OK).

Other than that, until I get a new balance in my life, please do not judge me or hate me due to my endless ignoring of the phone. Oh and if you have any ideas on relieving the stress, please let me know. Massages are just getting to expensive but they work. :)

I'm Back

Yes that is right, I'm back in my normal funk. That funk where I don't give a shit. That funk where nothing can make me happy even though you try and try. That funk where if the world ended, I'd more than likely shrug my shoulders and say oh well.

I'm not really sure what put me in this funk. I noticed it yesterday as I was yelling at a client because he couldn't pee in a damn cup. After he left, I just sat around. I didn't want to work, I didn't want to do anything more than I had too. So I didn't.

Later, Shane calls and says he has to turn his phone off for a few weeks to get caught up on bills. Basically meaning, I'm getting my self in to some deep debt so lets cut the line before they cut me. Honestly, I shrugged my shoulders and said let me know when it comes back on. It isn't like I won't see him. It isn't like he is doing something dishonest. He was taken back when I didn't object to it. I love to talk to him, I love to see him, but a break from the constant phone call every night isn't going to kill either of us. I've been a little short with him lately. I can feel the attitude coming up and I could snap at any minute. I've tried so hard to keep her down but it is only a matter of time. And time has been good since we've made it almost 5 months without an arguement, a tiff, or a sideways glace of retardedness.

Today, Jo, my current partner in crime, said she could tell something was wrong. Wrong? I asked. I do feel a little pissed this morning, woke up with a headache, stomache wasn't feeling to well either. But I didn't think anything was wrong. Just must be the funk. Must be with the new year coming in several hours. The dread of it all. She said I haven't been my normal self. I had to ask what that normal self was, just so I knew for any further reference. She said, my normal attitude, normal caring self, not so on edge, not so blah.

If the funk last any longer than tonight, I'm not sure what will happen. Last new years sucked for me. And me only. My other half at the time didn't even remember anything since he was wasted by 9 pm. Fun for me!!! I spent the rest of the night crying on my friends shoulder and taking her away from the fun. Maybe I'm dreading another one of those holidays. The holidays you want to forget but can't.

Guess we will wait and see. I plan on having a good time tonight even though I can feel the tiredness coming over me. I promise to make the most of it and not beat the 3 children that will be running ramped all over the house. I promise to smile and make polite converstaion and not think about work or what tomorrow may bring. I promise to let life takes its course, for good or bad. AAHHH...too many promises for one night.

Oh no he didn't.

Several days ago I was talking to Shane on the phone. What it was about, I can't recall. All I know I was going off about something in my bitch attitude from the events of the day. Next thing I know, he says, "I got much lov......." and trails off. I was in utter silence. Actually both of us were. Did I almost hear what I almost thought I heard? So after he decides to finally speak again, he says he didn't mean to say that right then and asked what I thought about that.

What I thought? I couldn't really tell you what I thought. Several things went through my mind. One being, this is tooooooooo fast. Way tooooooo fast. We've only been seeing each other for 4 months. How do you really know you feel that way for someone only after 4 months. Come on, it takes me longer to decided if I really want to buy a new pair of slacks for work. (Doesn't take that long for shoes I should tell you). It took me longer to decide to let my hair grow out and actually committ to the everyday roll out of bed look until it did grow out.

Secondly, I thought, OH MY GOD!!!! Panic, Panic, Panic. Jump ship now. You will never make it.

Thirdly, after I stopped panicing, I realized maybe I felt that way too. My heart was pumping a mile a minute, I felt my cheeks flush, my eyes even swelled a little with tears. I thought about how comfortable I was with him, how completely real I've been with him. All honestly, no holding back. But then I felt confusion. (This can easily be done with me).

The last relationship I was in, it was for 6 years. We got married, the whole nine yards. I said I love you in the morning, before I went to work, on the phone, got home, ect. But thinking back now. Was it really how I felt? Sure in the begining I did. But after the divorce (yes we got a divorce and began dating after that, again) I think I just said it to say it. Or at least I love him but I'm not in love with him.

Still, I didn't say anything. Just thought about it. I didn't want to say something that could mess it all up. So I just said I wasn't sure (which is the truth) and went on to another subject. Unfortunately, I am still thinking about it. Still confused on how I feel. The evidence is there, right in front of me, but all in all, I'm scared to say it, to even feel it. Scared to feel that vulnerable again. Right now, I'm strong, independent. More independent than I have in a long time. I go and do what ever I want. I don't have to explain my actions (which I never really do anyway). I would hate to relapse into that person I was before. The nonindependent person, the person that did what "he" wanted and never what I wanted.

Fourthly, I thought, if he wouldn't have stopped mid sentence, I probably wouldn't have caught it at all. I would have considered it a saying. I wouldn't have thought about it that way, I would have never thought he would have meant it as those three little words.

A week later....

I thought about bring it up this last weekend, but didn't. I'm thinking about bringing it up tonight. But I doubt I will. I've thought about bringing it up at Christmas, but I won't. Mostly, because.................. I'm still thinking.

Grinch!!!

Yes, that is right....I've gone back to my Grinch mood. Not long ago I was happily making cookies and decorating, you know really getting in to the holiday spirit. But not anymore.

First, I didn't get a thank you for the cookies. I slaved for hours making dozens upon dozens of cookies. Yes, I do realize the Christmas is a time of giving, however, I do enjoy a thank you once and a while. Specially since I could have spent last weekend sitting on my ass, eating cookies instead of decorating them and dividing them out for each department.

Second, someone has been playing the freakin' Christmas music 8 hours a day. Can't stand it anymore, someone will have to hold me back before I attack someone.

Third, my clients have all decided to lie, test positive for the drug of the month (meth.), and pick up new charges. I can't stand it anymore. How hard is it to be honest. Honesty gets you further with me and most other people as well. How hard is it to not do drugs. I've never used drugs so that might be my problem on understanding this, but why use a drug that makes you stink, that makes you think bugs are under your skin so you pick and pick and pick until you bleed, and that makes your teeth fall out of your face after months of using. And last but not least, why do you need to get new charges. How hard is it to honestly think, "oh if I do this I might end up in Jail which in return gets me more Jail time because my PO will revoke my case."

So enlight of the events above, I'm back to my Grinch mood. I do plan on arresting as many people as I can before Christmas so they can sit in Jail and eat bologna sandwiches instead of a holiday feast. ( I know I'm mean but what the hell, it is Christmas). I do plan on finding the one radio that plays the holiday music and bash it to death. I don't plan on making Christmas cookies next year. Hell no Hell no, no Christmas cookies next year. Well maybe for me.......and I will send some to Kerry next year and possibly Kallay if I get her address.